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What the FK* just happened?

Updated: Feb 17, 2023

Back in 2020, I was faced with one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. After, almost 23 years of dealing with excruciating pain, from Endometriosis and Adenomyosis, it was time to consider a Hysterectomy. Now, I am not writing this for any type of sympathy, because honestly, I am not sure I ever really wanted to have children - but regardless how I felt about having children, there was always a possibility that I can carry my own.

After two years of living with severe sciatica, I couldn't function as my normal self anymore. Everything I tried wasn't working and the only other option I had was to have a partial hysterectomy. The decision did not come lightly but it was final. I wanted to be able to live a life without pain and that trumped the possibility of carrying my own children.

Let me be real clear, I DO NOT regret my decision. I have been living without that pain since my recovery. What I do regret, was not taking care of my self mentally. Many people at the time, told me that I would need to process how I was feeling. They would tell me that it was going to just hit me out of nowhere one day, if I didn't take the time to process. I ignored the warning, because I thought I was ok. Then slowly, things started to manifest. It started with insomnia, then these severe depressive moods. I was constantly questioning what my decisions I was making and even talking myself out of things that I would do on a normal basis. I was subconsciously sabotaging myself, because I was ignoring the GLARING issue.

Finally, after months of dealing with all of these symptoms, I went to a doctor. I was diagnosed with Grief Reaction. Grief? Really? Why? I knew that depression and anxiety can cause symptoms to display, but grief? I didn't believe it. My doctor referred me to a therapist. I must've called the office about 10 times over a course of two months to get an appointment, but never received a call back. Because of this, I didn't get help. I carried on with all of my symptoms and witnessed myself become a shell of what I used to be - because I didn't have the tools to fix me. It's been a struggle, to say the least.

Recently, a friend of mine reached out and suggested I try Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT Therapy). Of course, I did a ton of research and even read a book by the woman who created the therapy. The book is called "Tell Yourself a Better Lie" by Marissa Peer ( and I was sold. Marissa Peer created this therapy to help patients heal their traumas with a combination of traditional psychotherapy such as gestalt, solution-focused and cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnotherapy and mindfulness. Patients can see results in one session, so the idea of having to be in therapy for weeks, months or even years is not needed. You can learn more about this technique here -

I found a therapist here in Austin that was licensed in RTT and made appointment. The amount of research I did could not have prepared me for what happened. I wish I had the words to describe my experience. Hypnosis is weird. You are conscious the whole time, but you feel whatever you were feeling in the moments that are popping into your mind. Like an "awake nap". I laughed, yelled and cried throughout the session and after I was done, I was speechless.

As much as I would love to share the details of what I experienced, I feel that I want to keep a lot of it private. What I do want to share is how I feel. Last night, I spent the night in bed, processing. I don't have any other word to describe it. I just needed to sit with my feelings, and practice some some self care. There are no rules to self care so my night consisted of me sitting in bed, eating chips, drinking water and watching some trashy realty tv. I must've asked myself 100 times "What the Fuck just happened?"

I didn't sleep well, as expected, my mind wasn't settled. Eventually I did fall asleep and I woke up as a different person. I didn't feel the overwhelming dread of my day and the tasks I had to complete, I even caught myself trying to talk my out of getting blood work done and the next thing I knew I was out the door and in the truck leaving.

If you are still reading this, thank you. I am writing about this experience, because it's my way to continue to process, but also because if you're someone like me who is fully confident, can handle their shit, but for some reason your self sabotaging - this might be the thing for you. I am still speechless but I am so grateful that I was able to see this through because I can't wait to see myself repair.

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